


Open Up Your Eyes

by morioh



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Another one of my 2am ideas, Because reibert is under appreciated., F/F, F/M, Gay and angsty. Steamy like the shower, I actually don't know how to write smut. Only angst, M/M, Manga Spoilers, Reibert - Freeform, Titan Shifter Trio
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-22
Updated: 2018-05-19
Packaged: 2018-12-17 06:43:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 10,615
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11846109
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/morioh/pseuds/morioh
Summary: Reiner just wants Bertholdt to open his eyes and keep them open until dawn. He knows it's selfish. He knows his ally desperately needs sleep but the screams shake him to the core. He's tired of brushing tears away from Bertholdt's warm but flushed cheeks, every time he jolts awake from another nightmare about the past and what is meant to unfold in the future.Bertholdt hasn't heard of the term "clairvoyant". In fact, not many of the trainees in the 104th training corps associate that word with a person who can see the future because as far as anyone knows, the future doesn't matter. Some have lost hope and believe that all that waits for them in the end, is death. Bertholdt is no different because as soon as he drifts away from the star-speckled dusk each night, death is all he sees.





	1. Open Up Your Eyes

**Author's Note:**

> If you couldn't already tell, this will mainly be about Reiner and Bertholdt because I've been Reibert trash since 2014. Lord, help me for I will sin as I write this whole thing. Other ships listed will be kept minor if I can control myself but oh boy, lemme tell you. If any other ship shall arise during my writing process, it will be Springles. Everyone needs more Springles.
> 
> This little fic was inspired by the many comics and fanart I've seen of Bertholdt waking up from night terrors. I live for angst and that's my favourite prompt so... Time to write it myself. 
> 
> This is my first ever Attack on Titan fanfiction and actually the first time I've written any fanfiction at all in four years so I doubt it'll be any good. This is just a little something I'd like to try out to expand my writing style because frankly, I'll need it for the upcoming school year. 
> 
> Let's see if Xia will actually stick to this project enough to finish it or abandon it like everything else!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bertholdt is having a bad dream again. Reiner comforts him before they both slip back into their separate beds. Lack of slumber does show on faces though, and Armin is beginning to grow concerned because of what he hears in the middle of the night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy crap I have a feeling I'm really bad at this.  
> I spent three days writing and revising this chapter over and over again because writer's block wants to kill me or something. I really hope it's long enough for y'all.
> 
> I'm most likely going to title the chapters after Daughtry songs because Daughtry is great for people who write angst.
> 
> The chapter was inspired by [this song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gSJYIfWHTqs).

_Bertholdt extended his hand to Reiner. He and Annie had been the only ones left behind after Porco stormed off with Pieck and Marcel at his side. The leaves rustled and the birds chirped, disturbing whatever silence that had rested between the young warriors as Reiner stared up at his friend with those glorious golden eyes... At least Bertholdt saw them as gold. Gold that glistened and glowed when in reality, it was more of a hazel that hid pain and despair due to broken dreams and now, bruised limbs since Porco had shoved him to the ground not too long ago._

_A world like this, though? It was peaceful for now. Sharpshooting skills had gotten Bertholdt chosen as a warrior alongside his friends. A warrior who would eventually inherit one of the nine titans. The candidates had received news that six of them would be chosen at the same time… four of them to be sent to Paradis Island to retrieve the founding titan._

_Paradis… An island of demons. Descendants of the devils that turned life as an Eldian into hell._

_It was as if Bertholdt was living again when Reiner took his hand but the clock was ticking too fast and soon, they stood upon the walls they had dreaded to reach, with Annie gone and everyone frozen in place. Reiner had been wearing a makeshift splint for reasons unknown. Had something previously happened to injure him? Ymir was in the distance and she didn’t seem to be in good shape, either, laying on a cot, completely motionless. Bertholdt wanted to explore a bit but he realized that everyone was frozen in place with glares of intriguement directed at both him and Reiner. It was Mikasa’s dark gaze that bore into his flesh which caused him to stop in his tracks._

_“We were just kids… We didn’t know anything,” said Reiner with his head down. “If only I never knew there were people like this. I— I wouldn’t have become such a half-assed piece of shit!” Bertholdt watched him in shock, almost trembling. Reiner removes the splint, slowly but surely, displaying his steaming arm to Eren who looked as if he was taken aback by the words uttered by the warrior._

_In response, Bertholdt questioned Reiner’s decisions aloud, failing to realize that someone had shifted behind Eren. “Are we doing it?! Now?! Right here?!”_

_Reiner nodded. “Yeah. We settle this… Right here, right now!”_

_His gaze intensified as Mikasa’s blade tore through his healing arm. The Ackerman had been waiting to attack since she heard the beginning of Reiner’s conversation with Eren. She was always cautious, keeping her eyes on him no matter where they went._

_Mikasa and her ebony eyes sent chills down Bertholdt’s spine. The warrior could do nothing but raise his arms to defend himself helplessly, watching as his blood spurted when her blade penetrated his neck. The thick crimson mess trailed down his body from the wound, just as his tears began to track his cheeks. He fell back from the sheer force of Mikasa’s attack, screaming bloody hell._ _  
_

_“Eren, Run!!” She screeched, raising her blade again. Bertholdt saw the end coming._ _His body was surging with power, yet he felt powerless._ _It was as if he could already feel her blade in his chest, tearing at his heart but Reiner came, ramming her right off the wall with his elbow._

_"Reiner!" Bertholdt cried, reaching out to hold his friend but the blond was already parked in front of him, ready to defend him— protect him at any cost. "Reiner..." His voice died down into an indistinct whimper as he held his hands over his wound._

* * *

 

"Reiner, i-it hurts..." Bertholdt mumbled, his eyes popping open as they had previously been squeezed shut. Grass green and desolate, his gaze met with the wooden ceiling of the boys' barracks. It seemed like he had been here with these devils on Paradis forever. Reiner was the only one he knew within these walls, of course, aside from Annie who didn't seem to want anything to do with them. Bertholdt didn't blame her, thinking back to the moment Marcel shoved Reiner out of the way and got devoured himself.

He sat up, placing a hand on his pillow which he found to be damp with sweat and tears. Bertholdt unfettered a quivering sigh, curling into himself. He had his head between his knees when the creaking of the ladder startled him. Reiner climbed his way up from the bottom bunk and sat in front of his comrade, casting concerned glances, but he remained silent as he watched Bertholdt's shoulders heave spasmodically in between his quiet sobs.

Eventually, Reiner was pained enough by the image laid out in front of him. He reached out, gathering Bertholdt into his arms, reading the pain off of his expression as if it was a book. Reiner carefully brushed the tears away from Bertholdt's red-rimmed eyes but they just kept coming, the raven-haired boy gripping the fabric of Reiner's shirt so tightly, his knuckles had faded to white.

At this point, Reiner was more than choked up. He held Bertholdt close to him, biting his lower lip to stifle a sob. Nail's dug into the blond's back as Bertholdt buried his face against Reiner's shoulder, stammering as he repeated the same two words over and over.

"It hurts..."

"I know, I know." Reiner's voice broke somewhere in between the lines. It fell apart with him, channeling raw pain, raw emotion and raw love for the warrior that had made it so far. All Reiner wanted to do was hold Bertholdt like this until the morning. To run his fingers through the hair that was matted to Bertholdt's forehead with sweat. He wanted to clear that boy's mind— to take him away from everything because he deserved so much better than this hell. Bertholdt had been so strong for their cause and watching him break down each night as he remembered what he had seen was starting to take a toll on Reiner. It was shattering his heart.

Reiner didn't like to believe it, but he was losing sleep, just knowing that Bertholdt would sometimes wake up screaming because of the images he never wanted to see again. Other times, it was worse. Bertholdt would be screaming when he was still deep in slumber. Connie had slipped out of bed a few times, concerned, only to find that Reiner had already been shaking his friend awake, holding him until the sun came up because Bertholdt wouldn't dare go to sleep again that night. The worst pain was watching him as he kept his hands firmly over his ears in an attempt to block out the cries of the dead which weren't really there.

"Hush... I'm here," Reiner whispered hoarsely, keeping his eyes averted to the dimly-lit room. He needed to make sure everyone's eyes remained closed; that they remained sound asleep as Reiner consoled his companion.

"I'll fix it... You'll be alright." Reiner brushed his thumb against Bertholdt's jawline, slowly running it down his neck before cupping his cheek in a hand. Bertholdt leaned into the touch, still choking on his sobs occasionally, even as his breathing had calmed for the most part. They sat together like that for a while until Reiner shifted, his eyelids falling closed every so often.

"I'm going to lay down." Bertholdt's husky voice quietly sounded, slowly removing Reiner's hand from his cheek. While he already missed his friend's touch, he knew that Reiner needed some shut-eye more than anyone else in this room. Connie had started snoring softly a while ago, and Bertholdt could almost tell that Armin hoped it wouldn't crescendo as he tossed and turned in bed. Reiner nodded, slowly clambering down the ladder again. He pulled the covers over him and squeezed his eyes shut, hoping that slumber would immediately consume him, cascading over him until he drowned because that was the only way to avoid his repressed memories without completely leaving Bertholdt behind.

Bertholdt wasn’t lying when he simply stated he was going to lay down. He didn’t even close his eyes as he curled up, hugging his blanket. It was rather uncomfortable, seeing as his pillow was still moist.

In the dead of the night, Bertholdt felt pathetic. It was just a simple nightmare— it was what he and Reiner would eventually have to face together once they found the Coordinate. They would have to face the fact that their comrades would hate their guts and hope to blow their heads off. He could almost hear it. He could hear Eren cheering over his head toppling to the floor. He could see Mikasa bathing in his blood.

Bertholdt averted his gaze to the stars where he began to count them. He no longer wished to sleep, even as the room was now completely silent aside from Connie’s snoring and Eren’s occasional mumbling about his mother. Bertholdt pitied him… He pitied anyone that experienced night terrors at all. He envied those who could sleep in comfort with undisturbed dreams.

For every star he counted, he recalled one time he felt pathetic.

_When that titan came up to me. I thought I was gonna die._

_When I first saw the wall. I didn’t think I’d be able to breach it._

_When I couldn’t stop Reiner from taking Annie to the ground._

_When I couldn’t stop Annie from kicking the shit out of Reiner._

_When I ran after Reiner away from that titan… Just to save my own skin._

_When Marcel was eaten. He sacrificed himself for Reiner. He was so… brave. Could I ever do that? No, I couldn’t. What did I just see? Mikasa could have killed me and fuck, I was too afraid to die. Reiner came to my rescue like Marcel had done for him. Reiner— he’s just like Marcel now._

_What about me? I follow Reiner wherever he goes. I do what he says and I protect him for what? Because he can also protect me. I need him for this. I need him so we can finish this. We’ve only made it this far because he had the initiative to take charge and lead us. Me? I have no will of my own._

Degrading himself to something lower than dirt had passed the time. Soon, Bertholdt’s mind was taken off the infinite stars in the universe. His eyes were taken off the infinity that rested outside the window. His eyelids were heavy but he refused to give himself any rest. For the remainder of the night, he tossed and turned, keeping his thoughts to himself as they grew louder and louder in his head.

At the break of dawn, he was the first to sit up in bed. Normally, Bertholdt would wait for Reiner before departing to the dining hall for breakfast. Today was no different. Reiner asked him how he had slept the previous night, ambling slowly in front of him.

“Fine,” he had replied, but the prominent bags under his eyes couldn’t lie. Reiner didn’t even need to look at Bertholdt to know that he hadn’t gotten a wink of sleep after waking up from that nightmare. It must’ve been bad. Worse than all the others he’s had since enrolling in the military. Bertholdt hardly ever spoke of what he saw, mainly out of regret for the fall of Shinganshina and out of fear because he often dreamt of dying. Sometimes, he’d fall apart in Reiner’s arms and ramble on and on about exactly what had happened in his nightmares, only stopping to hiccup or sob in between.

Over time, Reiner progressively took less and less care of Bertholdt in the middle of the night as the situation had gradually gotten better. However, he’d been jolting up in bed, screaming and crying a lot more recently and from what Reiner has heard from him, Bertholdt had been seeing the past and was brushing by the future as well. The things he saw and experienced deep in slumber could either be extremely accurate or not at all. There was no way of telling what was going to happen to the two of them in the duration of their time on the island. Bertholdt only hoped that everything would run smoothly without Marcel and Reiner only hoped that he would return to Marley as a hero.

The warriors scanned the dining halls with their trays in their hands, completely decked out in their trainee uniforms. They finally decided upon sitting at the table in the corner with Connie and Sasha. Bertholdt turned to stare at something across the room and Reiner followed suit, only to find that he had been staring at Annie, who sat quietly with Mina across from her.

“How’d you all sleep last night?” Sasha inquired, the pronunciation of the question becoming distorted by the large chunk of bread that was in her mouth. Although Sasha spoke politely most of the time, both warriors couldn’t help but notice she had horrible table manners. Reiner plastered a smile on his face and told her that he slept fine. Bertholdt did the same, and although Connie raised an eyebrow as if to question him, he didn’t raise his voice to throw in his two cents on the issue. Instead, he turned back to Sasha and initiated a conversation about 60-metre trees.

In the centre of the dining hall next to the door, Eren and Jean were having one of their infamous disputes. Apparently, Jean had called Eren a suicidal ignoramus or something along the lines of that, and to retort to Jean’s comment, Eren denominated him a coward and gladly tossed in a punch aimed at the throat. Reiner watched with his peripherals, almost irritated at the fact that those two could never call it a day when it came to arguments.

As Bertholdt lifted a spoonful of tasteless oatmeal to his lips, Mikasa sprung out of her seat, dragging Eren away from the ass-butt with the undercut. Jean looked as if he was about to pursue Eren anyway, feeling the need to retaliate. Marco was there in the nick of time, pulling him back to their table so they could finish up with breakfast and hurry on down to training.

After everyone had settled down again, Mikasa shoved a loaf of bread into Eren’s mouth, leaving Armin unoccupied with his breakfast. Arlert decided to stand up from his table which didn’t go unnoticed, though it wasn’t commented on either. He picked up his tray and headed towards Bertholdt’s table, flashing Connie, Sasha, and the warriors a smile before taking a seat across from Reiner.

“How was your night?” He asked, taking small bites out of his bread.

Reiner chuckled softly, shaking his head. “Why does everyone wanna know today?”

“Just curious. I thought I heard something aside from Connie’s snoring last night,” Armin explained. “I didn’t want to get up and check because I might have been interrupting something… But it was you and Bertholdt, wasn’t it?”

Reiner looked to Bertholdt who was staring into space, very obviously fatigued. He couldn’t keep up his posture and his green eyes seemed to be wavering with a concoction of conflict and sullenness, all at the same time. Reiner took him by the shoulder, shaking him out of his temporary trance. Reiner didn’t deny it, but he didn’t provide a straight answer to Armin’s question either. Bertholdt perked upright in response and slothfully nodded to Armin.

“Just a bad dream.”

“Is that so? You can tell me about it if you’d like to. We’re friends after all, right?”

“Oi, Bertholdt,” Reiner interrupted quietly, placing a gentle hand on his shoulder. He knew just how bad the nightmares were but telling Armin wouldn’t be the smartest move on their part. Bertholdt’s nightmares were always about their missions and the consequences of them. If Armin got any details of what went on in Bertholdt’s head, the warriors might have to expose themselves much too early for comfort. If they had learned anything from their days as trainees so far, observing these demons, they would know to leave it to Armin when it came down to analyzing a situation and coming up with an accurate deduction.

Bertholdt shook his head at Armin and offered up a weary smile. “Yeah. But it’s alright, Armin. I don’t want to talk about it.”

The dining hall was almost empty at this point. It seemed that Eren and Mikasa were still at their table as if they were waiting for Armin. Connie and Sasha had left a while ago, shortly after Armin came around. Training was going to start soon and Bertholdt was eager to get started. Anything to escape this conversation and he had a feeling Reiner couldn’t agree more.

“Well, that’s fine,” Armin replied, standing up to leave with his empty tray. “We should get going or else Shadis will be on our tail for the rest of the day.” Armin left abruptly, weaving his way past the empty tables toward Eren and Mikasa who had begun to head out the door as soon as they were rejoined by their friend. Reiner and Bertholdt followed loosely behind and Bertholdt couldn’t help but sigh as he felt a wave of relief wash over him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would like to thank everyone in advance in the case this gets more hits than I expect. If anyone gives this any kudos, thank you so much, I really appreciate it!
> 
> If I do think this is worthy of me continuing to write it, I'll think of having some sort of upload schedule. I spent all too long trying to write this first chapter just because I was stuck on the whole nightmare thing.


	2. There And Back Again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Two out of three of the outsiders seem to be blending in fine with the 104th trainees. One, however, runs on her own terms.
> 
> A day in the life of the trainees with Bertholdt's guilt and fear sprinkled on the top. I'm making this chapter sound like ice cream.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Geez. It's been a while since I posted anything at all. I'm sorry for making everyone wait! I was trying to figure out how AO3 worked since I usually stick things on wattpad. I failed to realize that my progress was never deleted and there was a way to save drafts of WIP chapters. Long story short, I had 6 chapter drafts, all of which including the phrase "Are you going easy on me?"
> 
> They were all less than a hundred words long.
> 
> I'm in the middle of figuring out how I want the chapters to play out. I had a plan written for this chapter a long time ago but as I finished writing it, I realized that I didn't stick with the plan at all. I'm moving things around and I have a couple ideas for how this is going to end. I hope you like angst.  
> The chapter was inspired by [this song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2lbRtJ2DNi8).

“Are you going easy on me?” Marco inquired, blocking Bertholdt’s incoming fist with his open palm. The bead of sweat rolling down the warrior’s forehead had been a sign of the high temperature or possibly his constant anxiety, but not because he had been putting his all into hand to hand combat training. He needed his stamina for other things but the trainees have been lunging at each other for a few hours now… Of course, after a mile jog in the morning.

Bertholdt shrugged as he maneuvered himself swiftly behind Marco, ramming an elbow in between his shoulder blades. The freckled boy was startled but he didn’t falter, crouching down to knock Bertholdt off his feet with a low spinning sweep kick. The move did make him stumble, but he stood his ground. What he had to learn here on the Island was a piece of cake compared to the training at Marley. Bertholdt was afraid he'd be caught as some sort of double agent by Marco if he didn't hold back.

“I don’t know, really.”

Marco merely smiled in response, getting back up on his feet while he panted. The training in between these two wasn’t exactly exhilarating but it was fast paced enough to tucker Marco out in twenty or so minutes. Bertholdt was a dodger most of the time, making the job more difficult for him. Reiner was charging forward towards Eren just a couple meters off from where they now stood. Bertholdt cast his gaze in that general direction, making a mental note to speak to Reiner later about how much he was holding back on Eren.

Reiner wasn’t particularly good at anything back on the mainland. While Bertholdt had his marksmanship and Annie had her hand to hand combat skills, all Reiner really had was his undying determination and a goal he’d die to achieve.

It reminded Bertholdt of someone he knew. A certain trainee named Eren Jaeger.

Eren came to him and Reiner for help before. While the two of them weren’t able to help the boy, Reiner seemed to have spoken the words of a soldier. Bertholdt had winced at the similarities he took notice of at the time. The way Reiner had kept his word to Annie. Reiner really did become Marcel— an older brother who would protect and take the burdens of work off of his peers’ shoulders.

Bertholdt couldn’t do anything to stop it, knowing that they were really just kids who had a job to do. Bertholdt would have never guessed that these people on the island weren’t the devils they were said to be. Take Marco for example. He was a kind soul that wanted nothing more than to service the king. He didn’t want to hide behind the innermost wall for safety like Jean did, he simply wanted to help others. Reiner’s initial thought of the freckled boy had been something along the lines of: “Wow. That guy’s a pushover.”

“Damn, Eren. How were you even able to flip a big guy like me?” Reiner’s voice was low and equable, even as he laid flat on his back which would most definitely be sore later. Eren extended his hand, pulling the blond soldier back up on his feet. Bertholdt watched as blazing green eyes met a tranquil hazel. Eren’s gaze was burning with determination per usual, but he found that he couldn’t read what Reiner was thinking at the moment. The mental connection between Reiner and the self-proclaimed “titan slayer” was strong. A sense of familiarity would wash over Bertholdt every single time he watched Reiner encourage Eren or help the boy to his feet after falling off trees using the maneuvering gear.

It seemed like a stretch, but Bertholdt saw quite a bit of his friendship with Reiner between those two. Although he was normally an observant person, he found that the taste in his mouth was sour every time Eren made Reiner laugh and vice versa. The unpleasantness of the flavour would increase the longer he stared. It was a twinge of jealousy he could recognize because all Reiner’s life, Bertholdt had been the one who was there for him. Suddenly, his best friend had all these people who loved him and cared for him, labeling him as the older brother of the group.

Bertholdt placed all his bets on the fact that Reiner would shatter when it was time to take the coordinate and leave. He wanted to tell his friend that an attachment to his enemies such as this was not a good idea. However, the reaction would be predictable. Reiner would most likely shove him away and deny the fact that any of these Eldian Devils were his friends. He’d make up some sort of excuse and turn the whole conversation into a speech about loyalty to Marley or something along the lines of that.

“…Someone ought to teach her what being a soldier is really about.”

Reiner’s voice intruded Bertholdt’s thoughts again, bringing him back to the present situation where the two boys up ahead have decided to approach Annie. Reiner already had the shit kicked out of him once by this girl. It was on their way to the walls, right after Marcel was eaten. Had Reiner somehow forgotten about that? If he really had remembered, why was he provoking Annie all of a sudden?

“Hey, Bertl!” Marco shifted and planted himself in front of Bertholdt, waving a hand.

 _Right. We were training… I shouldn’t get so sidetracked by something that isn’t my business. But Annie—_ “Huh? Oh, Marco. I’m sorry, did you want to continue?” The taller teen inquired quietly.

Marco merely shook his head and pointed to the sky with a sentimental smile. The sun was high in the sky, meaning lunch break would be soon. The freckled boy wasn’t snarky about directing Bertholdt’s attention to the time which was so obviously displayed in the sky. He was like that. His honey brown eyes spelled out boundless kindness. Nothing about Marco was harsh if you excluded “harsh friendliness and compassion”.

A bell sounded, signaling the beginning of their lunch break. The long rings lingered, low in pitch but shrilling through the air. There were louder noises than this. Much louder. The crack of a gun next to Bertholdt’s ears, the crumbling of a wall, the wailing and shrieking of… civilians… as they died.

Bertholdt gnawed hard on the inside of his cheek, careful as to not draw blood while he made his way to the dining hall. The temporary pain would take his mind off of his heinous crimes. After that dream he had last night, he couldn’t help but feel that revealing himself would end everything. Over the past year, Bertholdt and Reiner had grown so close to everyone. It was Annie who kept her distance, but even she had befriended Mina.

Taking a seat at a table in one of the corners, Bertholdt hugged himself as he recalled Mikasa’s blade in his neck. Polished steel, burying deeper and deeper while all he could do was shake in fear. Crashing to the ground helplessly as he gargled his own blood. She towered above him, raising her sword. Then Reiner… _Reiner…_

“Bertholdt!”

He bolted upright, returning to reality and releasing himself from the ball he had curled into. Reiner gazed into his eyes with a curious kind of concern. He was questioning his partner in crime, something that asked if he was alright.

Such a question was already answered for by the dark forest which was Bertholdt’s irises. Evergreen trees with mysteries woven in between. His expression was a code that no one could decipher— no one but Reiner. Seeing that Bertholdt was clearly shaken, the blond rested a hand on his forearm. The tremors seemed quite extreme at first, but they dissipated within a matter of minutes as Bertholdt warmed up to his friend’s touch.

No one else paid any mind to the warriors who worked themselves into the corner. No one joined them, either. Often, Connie and Sasha would be there but those two seemed to be busy this time… Busy with fooling around. Armin decided to turn a blind eye on Reiner and Bertholdt this time as well, letting the details of their short-lived intimacy slip by. It seemed that Connie feeding Sasha his loaf of bread was more deserving of the blue-eyed analyst’s attention.

Bertholdt and Reiner finished their lunches in a comfortable silence, failing to realize that Annie had been sneaking glances of disapproval their way.

The rest of the day fell into place with an uneasy pace. Scaling the mountainside seemed to have taken years when in reality, the training itself was less than two hours. Getting the hang of their maneuver gear in the forest passed by like a breeze. Bertholdt put his head to it, but he couldn’t figure out why the passing of time fluctuated in his head this way. It couldn’t be that old saying: “time flies when you’re having fun”. Daily training wasn’t exactly a compilation of leisurely activities.

In fact, Bertholdt knew for sure that no one chose to become a soldier because they wanted to. With the exception of Eren, of course. He and Reiner had discussed it before with Eren and Armin. Most of the 104th trainees chose this path because they were either freeloaders or they wanted to seem brave. A large percentage of them haven’t even come face to face with titans before.

Eren was different, he had experienced first-hand what a titan was like. He saw the Colossal one tear down the wall, letting those beasts rampage. He watched Bertholdt destroy his entire world. He, Reiner, and Annie were the very reasons Eren decided to become a soldier. It was a real shame. Annie had stated it very clearly every time the three met up near the forest long after Shadis shouted: “lights out!”

It was highly likely that everyone they met was going to die. Bertholdt had really warmed up to everyone, particularly Connie, Sasha, and Armin. Meanwhile, Reiner saw so much of himself in Eren, the two were like brothers. Bertholdt really worried for his partner’s mentality sometimes, knowing that Reiner put a lot of strain on himself. It was the burden of guilt he had to carry on his shoulders, along with the 45-pound backpacks everyone had to carry on distance runs.

Reiner was perched atop a tree when Bertholdt zipped past. Everyone seems to have evacuated this area, or they’ve headed back to the rendezvous. After mountain climbing, 3DMG training took place just before trainees washed up for dinner. Did anyone really wash up, though? The answer was no. Some of the boys smelled like a sack of shit most of the time while others actually looked the part. Bertholdt and Reiner were glad that they were placed in neither of those groups, classified as some of the more cleanly trainees.

“Bertholdt. Annie asked that we meet up outside the barracks after curfew,” Reiner explained, his eyes following his friend’s movements as he attached the grappling hooks of the maneuvering gear to the thick Redwood branch Reiner stood on.

“Yeah.”

“What do you think she wants?”

“…Nothing. She’s probably been sneaking into the capital again.”

“What other information could there possibly be? The king is a fraud. Fritz is a puppet or something.”

“If she has information, it’s probably about the real king or someone else with royal blood. Whoever it is, we need a lead on who the holder of the Coordinate is… Since we’re completely certain it’s not the ”King“ now.”

Reiner hummed in response, folding his arms across his chest. He seemed to be deep in thought for a moment but eventually nodded along with Bertholdt’s notion.

“Let’s go,” said Reiner, pulling the trigger on his gear. He glided from tree to tree, Bertholdt following close behind. Everyone was at the rendezvous point by now but the two weren’t certain if anyone had been waiting. Shadis would most likely notice that they were missing by now, but what did it matter? Discipline is discipline. The warriors would find a way to meet no matter the circumstances. They’d only be punished if they were caught. It was common sense.

“Hey, where’d you guys go?” Connie asked, nudging Reiner with an elbow once he and Bertholdt had rejoined the group. Armin looked back at the three but didn’t say a word, though he slowed to a pace where he could easily keep his peripherals set on them. Eren didn’t seem to mind as he was chatting it up with Marco just ahead.

Sasha didn’t seem to be clinging to Connie, instead, floating behind Ymir and Christa. She was a balloon, string tied around Ymir’s wrist. Christa wasn’t making fun of the girl, after all. It was the tan skinned hoiden that poked and prodded at Sasha’s speaking habits.

“Uhh… I— I got distracted in there,” replied Bertholdt, scratching the back of his head as he smiled meekly at his friends.

“Yeah!” Reiner agreed. “I was going to head back here but Bertholdt was just swinging around and I needed to guide him towards the right path, y’know.”

Connie chuckled. “You’re always so focused though, Bert.” His expression of curiosity shifted into a sly smirk, paired with hazel hues that reflected a playful kind of skepticism. “What were you thinking about back there?”

“I— I—” Bertholdt stammered, only to be interrupted by Reiner who burst out in laughter.

“He’s got someone on his mind! That’s what it is!”

In turn, Bertholdt only stared at him in a sort of irritated awe. While it was true he had someone on his mind, Reiner was placing it into the wrong context. Bertholdt had been thinking about the mission. About Reiner, Annie and Marcel. About Pieck and Porco back at home. About Mikasa and the sour thoughts involving the truth.

“N-no! That’s not what it is at all!” Bertholdt flushed red.

* * *

 

Dinner was one of those times that should have lasted longer. Mikasa sat silently next to Eren with her meal, nodding along with words that didn’t mean much to her. He and Armin had a conversation going on about the maneuver gear and how to improve on it.

“You’re not bad at it, Armin!” Eren exclaimed with his mouth full. It was more of an outburst as Armin had suddenly started ranting about how useless he felt during training. How he lacked in anything physical.

“You’re okay, Armin,” Mikasa added nonchalantly. A smile tugged at her lips, perhaps for the first time today. She brushed her ebony hair out of her raven-like eyes before continuing to eat. The table was silent for a while, contrasting the rest of the dining hall as it bustled like bees.

Trainees were laughing and shouting over each other but people seemed relatively relaxed. Training was over for the day and everyone was in regular clothes rather than their uniforms, which everyone seemed to be content with. Jean was guffawing at some stupid joke and Thomas was telling Mina about her day with Annie listening in. Armin returned his childhood friend’s smile and gladly accepted the reassurance.

No, there was nothing strange about this scene. Not to anyone but Reiner at the moment. It wasn’t every day that things seemed so strange to him— irritated him, in fact. Something tugged at Reiner’s heart and made him want to slit everyone’s throats, just to shut them up. It didn’t go unnoticed by Bertholdt, who watched the smile plastered on his friend’s face suddenly shift into a scowl.

Now, this was unusual. Reiner had been playing soldier for a while. Sometimes, he’d seem completely fine in front of everyone during training. But there were other times when he seemed to despise every inch of this place. These shifts in personality happened all too fast. It scared Bertholdt. He didn’t know what was happening to his friend, and frankly, he’d like some answers. At least it wasn’t so bad yet. Reiner’s personality didn’t fluctuate too much. At most, it’d happen once every few days. So far, Bertholdt hasn’t had to slap him yet. There was no need to bring him back to reality. They should play soldiers while they are still soldiers. Reminding Reiner that he was a warrior would only agitate him.

Bertholdt just wanted Reiner to be happy.

He looked around, eyes landing on various people. These situations all had stories of their own but there was no explaining why Marco was sharing a look with Christa while Jean had his arm around his shoulder. Bertholdt nearly chuckled aloud, just imagining what Marco’s gaze was saying.

Connie and Sasha had their hands on each other’s soldiers, caught up in a staring contest over the last piece of bread on the table. Sasha would win with sheer determination. It was widely known that potato girl would do anything for food. She didn’t mind punishments and she didn’t mind training, but if someone took away her food privileges, she’d go berserk. It has happened once before, and it will happen again someday.

Everyone wrapped up with their dishes in a jiffy. It was Ymir’s turn to draw water from the well and cleaning duties have been left with Thomas and Daz for tonight. Most others were trekking circles around the camp and making conversation while Bertholdt and Reiner waited outside the barracks, leaning with their lower backs against the wooden railing.

The plan was for them to turn themselves in for curfew tonight, but make the excuse of using the restroom and meet up with Annie while most people have dozed off. It was how they usually got out of the barracks. They said goodnight and left together with the same excuse. This happened often and no one was fooled at this point. However, Bertholdt and Reiner were trusted enough among the trainees for no one to snitch. Not even Marco who tends to say everything he sees. Reiner had bet once that Marco would only keep quiet if his life was on the line.

The sun fell behind the mountains slowly, cerulean melting into violet, melting into other colours. It was a less diverse rainbow that seemed bitter. It was the aftertaste of marmalade, warm in your mouth but it lingered. Reiner pushed off the railing with his elbows and paced the wooden deck with his brows furrowed and arms crossed.

Bertholdt brushed his fingers against Reiner’s shoulder, getting his attention before settling his hand there. The tension dissipated as the stars arose in the sky. With Reiner next to him, these distant orbs seemed to glow even brighter. It was a widespread incandescence that could not be extinguished as long as Reiner was there with his glorious gold, scintillating; burning with the fiery passion that allowed him to cross the ocean.

They had made it so far together. There was no doubt about it; they’d definitely return home.

The sky had sunken to a pitch near black.

 _How much time has passed since I distracted myself like this?_ Bertholdt let his mind wander for too long. There was no longer anyone left outside and most people in the barracks have started slipping beneath their sheets. Reiner nudged his friend, breaking him out of his trance before sauntering off, heading for the monumental redwoods that marked their meeting place.

“Took you long enough,” Annie scorned as the boys arrived. “Busy hanging out with those friends of yours?”

“Of course not,” Reiner retorted, crossing his arms. Bertholdt remained quiet, sitting down on a log. It had been laid on the ground over patches of grass that resembled something of a balding man. Dirt showed through and the grass here grew unhealthily thin. Bertholdt didn’t question the nature of things, but he often observed his surroundings a lot more during these meetings, not quite involving himself or engaging in the conversation.

Things always end up getting heated between Reiner and Annie. They were both hotheads, but Annie was coldhearted. There was only one thing she cared about in this entire world of shit. She only wanted to go home where her father was. She never cared about anything else to Bertholdt’s knowledge. She made the entire world her enemy, and that included him. She never thought of Bertholdt or Reiner as allies, only as people she had to work with. She degraded them as idiots despite the way Bertholdt thought of her.

“They’re Devils. We were sent here to rid of all of them.” Reiner was getting riled up again, and Annie would be following close behind if Bertholdt wasn’t wrong.

“We were sent here to take the Coordinate back home.”

“Right, but do we still have a solid plan for that?”

“No.” Annie didn’t sound in the least bit disappointed, but Reiner’s face fell. “However, I was able to sneak back into Mitras through the sewage system this time. It’s shit down there but now I have a plotted route. Since you two are so busy prattling on to your friends, I can get the job done. With all these nobles walking around, I can sneak off and gather any information that can help.”

Reiner nodded, scratching his chin as he thought about it. He was about to speak up when Annie interrupted.

“It’s getting late, not that it even matters to me anymore. That’s all I really needed to say. I’m going back.” She left Reiner and Bertholdt sitting on the logs, tucking a lock of hair behind her ear. The solemn blue of her eyes were restless. Annie didn’t know how well she’d be able to sleep tonight.

After a full minute of silence, Reiner stood up and Bertholdt followed suit. They walked shoulder to shoulder back to the barracks, a comfortable quietude falling between them until they reached the door.

“I’m going to sleep next to you on the bottom bunk. I know you need a place to stretch out ridiculously every morning but… You know? The nightmares?” Reiner whispered.

“Oh… Uh, yeah.” Bertholdt smiled timidly, creaking the door open.

Careful not to make as much as a floorboard squeak, Bertholdt and Reiner slipped into bed together, pulling the blankets over them. The pale moonlight shone through the window, casting shadows on Reiner’s face. The patches of darkness left on him surely meant something. It could represent the guilt that Reiner was buried neck deep in. It could be the darkness left in his heart knowing that these Devils were the reason Eldians felt as if life was hell back on Marley. Or perhaps… they were just shadows.

Reiner kept his eyes on Bertholdt and Bertholdt kept his eyes open. Even with Reiner next to him, he was afraid. Although the presence of his friend was there, he still felt as if he had no assurance that a nightmare wouldn’t happen to scare him half to death. He wanted to make sure that his head didn’t make him think he lost anyone tonight. He’d been losing too many people in his dreams as of late.

“Reiner… Can I ask you for a favour?”

“Mhm.”

“Hold my hand until I fall asleep? I think I’m… Still afraid.”

Reiner smiled wearily. “Of course.”

With that, they twined their fingers together underneath the sheets and as Bertholdt finally dozed off, he thought about how they could twine their destinies in his dreams.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for reading!
> 
> Sometimes, I worry about the word count on these things. I see all the amazing fanfics here and it's crazy! You guys hit 26k words in 3 chapters and I'm a sitting duck around 3k for one. It's a great exercise to write, though. I know I can match up to everyone else one day. Stuff like this takes time.
> 
> If you wanna contribute something to fandoms as well, go at it!  
> We all start from the bottom. We all need to work to get better!


	3. Drown In You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maneuver gear training and feelings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What am I even supposed to say  
> I have no inspiration whatsoever  
> My writing is getting worse and worse i s2g
> 
> The chapter was inspired by [this song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ckPRuz3D2gw).

"Today, we will be focusing solely on maneuver gear training!"

Soldiers stood in the blazing sun, row upon row. It was funny how some were still getting chills even as the light beat down on their heads. Early in the morning when dew came off the grass in thinly drawn plumes of vapour, the teens were donning leather straps, steel swords, and black wires.

“The course we are taking is marked on the board before you! You have five hours to complete it. Even a minute overtime and you’re missing lunch!” Shadis backs away from the front, allowing the trainees to pass by and observe the map. Every tree in the forest had been drawn out in elaborate pencil strokes from a bird’s eye view, the course marked over by a thin line of red paint that looped around heavily vegetated sections, only blocked off by occasional dark spots that were blotted over the winding trail. It was safe to assume that those were refill stations in the case gas ran out.

“Now, get going, maggots!”

Reiner let out a sigh, trudging off with Bertholdt in tow. Although the Warrior didn't have much on his mind, he still felt something heavy on his shoulders, yet he couldn’t tell whether it was physical or emotional. Perhaps it was the burden of a truth that was eventually going to slip out and take everything away from him once again.

What exactly was Reiner's reason for being here again? Ah, yes. His family. He wanted to be a normal kid with a normal family, living a normal life where he wouldn't be discriminated against for a crime his ancestors committed which in turn, somehow tainted _his_ blood.

Reiner never really did understand. The pigment was the same. Everyone bled the same crimson, no one would even be able to differentiate an Eldian from a Marleyan if they wore the same clothes and stood with the same status.

Bertholdt glanced Reiner's way, brushing his fingers against his friend's elbow.

"You alright?" He inquired, a face written in worry with his upturned brows and a frown tugging at the corners of his mouth.

Startled, Reiner pulled away but quickly nodded, dishing out the first lie that rolled off his tongue. It came out as a very soft and gruff “I’m fine, just kinda tired.”

The words didn’t sound believable, not to Reiner, not to Bertholdt. It wasn’t like the taller trainee to push anyone for an honest answer, even as he wasn’t nearly as timid around Reiner than he is literally anywhere else. The impending silence was uncomfortable for the two of them, only filled by the tramping of their boots and the maelstrom of laughter and easygoing conversation between the other trainees from a distance.

Reiner glanced over to the little posse of Eren, Thomas, Armin and Mikasa which had formed, with Marco dabbling in with quick remarks every once in a while. Jean had been nearby as well but refused to say anything unless he had Marco’s undivided attention.

“Let’s catch up,” Reiner suggested, unable to contain the fact that the tension had gotten to be too much any longer. Bertholdt nodded in silence and trailed after him, following suit when Reiner waved to Eren and the rest of the gang.

“Hey, Reiner! We were thinking about making it through the course as a group. What do you think about that?” Eren asked, adjusting the strap around his chest. The forest was just up ahead, trees towering over everyone, not a single one standing below 30 feet.

Reiner could only smirk in response as he struck up an even better idea. “Or… We could race through to see who gets to the end the fastest.”

“That’s a great idea!” Thomas piped in. “But wouldn’t Mikasa beat us all in a heartbeat?”

“Obviously.” Jean hadn’t said anything up until this point. He rolled his eyes and scoffed before gripping the handles of his maneuvering gear, dashing forward for a head start. “So why don’t we get through this shit quickly instead of lulling around like a bunch of idiots!” He launched himself into the air, grappling onto the first tree he saw.

Marco followed tightly behind, only to be tailed by Eren, then Thomas, then Armin, and Mikasa, who burst forward in a billow of gas, easily catching up to Eren and matching her adoptive brother’s speed. Reiner didn’t realize how much time he had been wasting until he realized that Bertholdt had leapt into action after them, leaving him as the only one who still stood on solid ground.

There was no telling what had gotten into Reiner as of late. Unlike Bertholdt, Reiner slept like a log, but it didn’t mean that he wasn’t troubled. What couldn’t perturb him in his slumber, often attacked him in the morning and during training. It wasn’t easy to take his mind off of, and Reiner was afraid that he’d eventually become so agitated with his thoughts that his mask would slip off and reveal to his comrades who he really was.

_No, they’re not my comrades. Annie isn’t right on any level at all. They’re not my friends. They’re devils. We’re here to get rid of them and take what is rightfully ours._

Reiner left the ground with a scowl, swinging closely behind Bertholdt who became his main point of focus as he drowned himself deep in thought. Veering from side to side and grappling to worn bark became a routine for Reiner. The words he said to himself under his breath fell into rhythm with his movements like some sort of intense and sweaty song. His heart beat like a drum as he exerted much of his physical energy to keep up with the others, still trailing Bertholdt. However, despite the heat that rose off his skin and hot exhales that rolled out between his lips, he wasn’t tired. He could keep going forever.

Time flies when you’re flying. That’s all Reiner really learned when he used his 3DMG. Minutes trailed along and melded into hours. He passed by dozens of recruits and headed off to refill his gas once or twice before continuing to swerve through the trees. Yes, he was completely immersed in the course, but there was something else that nagged at the back of Reiner’s mind. It was something about the forest.

The forest was nothing like the one back in Marley, but Reiner was stabbed in the chest with nostalgia as he passed by yet another Redwood. The networks of branches twined above the Warrior’s head almost brought him home, but home wasn’t necessarily a good place. Reiner could count more times he felt empty than content but as a child, he didn’t know why. As he grew older, he realized that an absent father was the void where his heart should have been.

As a kid, Reiner ran off a lot, at least whenever he was able to without causing any trouble. He was a good and enthusiastic kid who had pride for his nation and his people. But good kids with broken hearts sometimes go bad. They begin to rot from the inside because of what they have learned of themselves and their pasts. Reiner was one of those kids. Then again, Bertholdt may have been one too. The blonde didn’t see it this way before since Bertholdt was the one who seemed a little stronger back then. He was there to console Reiner whenever Reiner was upset and although he was self conscious with the self esteem of a raw chicken nugget, he pulled through for one of his only friends.

* * *

 

_“Reiner! What’s wrong?!”_

_Reiner curled into himself even further but he brought his head up, eyes peeking over his knees. Bertholdt would come running every time he couldn’t find his friend on the training grounds and he knew exactly where the blonde would go if he was ever so upset that he felt the need to run off. Reiner hardly ever ran away, but when he did, it was bad._

_There was a forest of old spruces and firs but it was a little thing. Slim trees with leaves so scarce that it was comparable to an old man’s receding hairline. Bertholdt knelt next to his friend and placed his hands on either of his cheeks. Gray-green eyes bore into saddened hazel ones and Reiner seemed to have broken all over again. His lip quivered and he averted his gaze but a concerned Bertholdt was quite difficult to ward off. The raven-haired boy remained there until Reiner’s sobbing slowed and he unfolded himself._

_“Hey… Reiner.”_

_“I’m fine.”_

_“Rei—”_

_“It’s fine!”_

_Bertholdt was taken aback. Even if Reiner was upset before, he had kept his composure… for the most part. That boy didn’t lash out, even if he was fuming. If he was raising his voice before Bertholdt could even ask what he was upset over, it must’ve been personal. With his breath caught in his throat, Bertholdt leaned forward. Reiner’s eyes were still burning bright and he still seemed easily irritable, but there was no stopping now. Reiner wouldn’t lash out again. Bertholdt trusted in that thought._

_“What are you doing.” Reiner’s question seemed more like a statement. His voice was hoarse and rugged like the gravel road and Bertholdt liked that. It would sound better if Reiner wasn’t so upset._

_“My mother does this when I cry sometimes.”_

_Bertholdt brushed his lips against Reiner’s forehead— He didn’t shrink back, only pouted and crossed his arms._

_“I’m not crying.”_

_The raven-haired warrior leaned closer again and Reiner’s eyes fluttered shut. Bertholdt’s lips ghosted over his puffy eyelids and the tears that left tracks over his cheeks. Reiner let his best friend pave a road across his face like that, only with his lips. This was normal. Bertholdt only wanted to make him feel better. Reiner felt heat rising beneath his skin, right under the younger boy’s hands. Still. This was normal. Yes… Bertholdt only wanted to make him feel better. Only that. Nothing more._

* * *

 

“Reiner! Watch out!” The alarmed screech of Eren Jaeger rung through the forest, followed by a thud and multiple clangs. One set of maneuver gear clashed with another as the brunette spiralled out of control. Acting on his reflexes, Reiner grappled to a nearby tree branch in the nick of time and quickly whirled around to see how Eren was handling his situation. Bertholdt hadn’t stopped to see what was going on. He seemed completely focussed on staying on the course at the moment… Most likely deep in thought. Reiner had anticipated that Eren would suffer some sort of injury from falling to the ground from such a height, but guess who swooped in to save the day? None other than Mikasa Ackerman. Reiner didn’t expect anything less from a military genius like her, but to be that quick, even in the air? Witchcraft. That’s what it was.

Shouting a quick apology to Eren, Reiner returned to the course, dodging several curves in order to catch up with Bertholdt again who was nearing the end. He wasn’t far behind Connie and Jean, by the looks of it.

“Hey, Bertl!” Reiner called. Bertholdt hummed but didn’t turn his way, making sure he wouldn’t swing into any trees or any people, unlike someone he knew. “You left me behind there, buddy.”

“Yeah.”

“Somethin’ bugging you? You were fine earlier.”

“Just thinking.”

“We’ll talk later.”

Reiner squeezed the handles of his gear and blasted forward, leaving Bertholdt behind as some sort of playful revenge. He easily overtook Connie, but Jean was surprisingly a challenge. That soldier was wearing a cocky grin, almost as if he was confident that he could beat Reiner.

“Don’t be so sure of yourself, Kirschtein!”

“That’d be a realistic statement if you said it several minutes ago before you crashed into Jaeger!” Jean’s face lit up as he saw a clearing. They were reaching the end of the forest. Kirschtein had won this race pretty fairly. Once Reiner descended to the ground after his comrade, he extended a hand, allowing Jean to take it in a firm handshake.

Bertholdt and Connie arrived shortly after, followed by Mikasa and Eren and a few others, then Marco and Thomas. Armin didn’t emerge for a while. The gaggle of soldiers began to head back to the training grounds, some of them sweating like pigs, some of them only breathless. Bertholdt and Reiner were neither of them. They had been training all their lives. A little exercise was nothing, although they had to admit it was a bit of a challenge. Exerting force with every single muscle in your body was hard work, especially when you were required to do it for almost five straight hours.

The trainees began to shed their 3DMG and prepared to return them as soon as they reached camp. Lugging around two hunks of metal and a crap ton of wire was a little more than quite a few of them could take. The two warriors walked in silence to the dining hall as soon as they handed their gear off. Something between them went unspoken. Something along the lines of pent up sadness and fond memories they were trying to repress. Neither of them knew why such memories needed to be ridded of, but they knew it’d be for the best.

Plus, they were friends, and friends could only do so much.

Taking a seat at the table in the corner, Bertholdt stared blankly at Reiner was staring blankly at his loaf of bread. Connie and Sasha decided to sit with Eren, Mikasa and Armin, and no one was complaining. There was something Reiner had been meaning to ask anyway, regarding Bertholdt’s silence during training.

“I know there’s something bothering you. What’s on your mind?” Reiner inquired.

“What do you think is the most painful way to die?”

Reiner’s expression actually hardened. His brows furrowed and his lips parted. Bertholdt regretted saying anything at all. He could see the disappointment swimming in Reiner’s eyes.

“Bertl. I was so worked up during training… Just because of a question like that? Dude. I thought there was actually something going on. We’re Warriors. We have no time to think about petty things like this.”

Silence fell between the two boys.

“I know, Reiner,” Bertholdt said in a hushed voice. A hurt whisper. “I’m sorry.”

Reiner’s jaw tensed as he sighed. He shook his head. “Don’t be. The worst way to die? Drowning.”

Suffocating in a substance you can’t breach because it continues to wrap around you no matter how hard you try to break free. Whether it is a regret or a secret, water or acid, it fills your lungs and prevents you from escaping. You end up choking on it. It’s deep inside you— a part of you. And when you die, it dies with you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'M SO SORRY FOR NOT UPDATING IN SO LONG
> 
> I just finished Nanowrimo several days ago so this should be up and running!  
> I'm aiming for a chapter every two weeks but... you know me and my uploading schedule.  
> This will be the last bad chapter. I swear. Punch me in the face if you don't like the next one.  
> Ehhhh Thanks for reading!


	4. Backbone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's starting to seem a little more clear to Bertholdt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First off, I'm so sorry for not writing in so long. I've been so focused on school work and new fandoms that I just haven't found the time or motivation to update this fic. I have a few BTS things in the works at the moment and honestly, I totally forgot that this existed. However, with the new chapters of SNK and all, I think I've finally gotten my plot set.
> 
> Ahh.. yes.. SNK 102-105... all my ships are dead.
> 
> Either way, thank you so much for sticking around if you've been waiting for the past.. months... yes.  
> I really appreciate the support I've received in the first and second chapters!
> 
> Fair warning: The chapters from here on out will include a ton of manga spoilers. But honestly, if you haven't read the manga up to chapter 84, I don't know what you're doing here lol

_Bertholdt only hears the sound of adrenaline rushing in his ears, coursing like rapids as they threaten to break down the walls of his mind. His eyes are closed. He tries to grasp the rugged roof tiles beneath him and push himself up but there's nothing there. He tries to pry his own eyes open so he could just stop drowning in the black— but he can't. There's nothing there._

_He can't move. The voices around him are muffled and he only wished that Reiner was here to wake him from his slumber. When the voices clear, he is afraid. The Devils had hacked off his limbs. The rooftop was shaking. Tiles came sliding off. Dust and debris were kicked up. Bertholdt's eyes were dry behind his eyelids. People were fighting where he couldn't see. Tears. Bertholdt heard Eren's voice. Heard Mikasa's quiet sobs. Mikasa? Crying? What had happened while he was rendered unconscious?_

_Bertholdt felt himself rising from the ground. What a relief. The tiles under his neck had been irritating him. But he had been placed down again and abandoned. The voices were gone, replaced with rumbling. Who was disturbing his sleep?_

_Alas, Bertholdt found the will to open his eyes. Golden hair fell across the titan's face. It roared, rancid saliva slipping from between its thin lips. Bertholdt knew the structure of that face from anywhere. But he couldn't recall the hollowed cheeks and thin-as-string wrists. Not the gnarly fingers or the dark eyes._

_Armin... Armin?!_

_Bertholdt called out, defenceless and afraid. His old comrades watched from the distance. Not moving a single muscle. These Devils. They were heartless. Bertholdt screamed. Ruined his voice with pleas for help that he'd never receive._

_Armin closes his jaw around Bertholdt's skull. He cries. All the tears he could manage well up in his eyes and slip down his dust-coated face, red and raw with healing muscle. Bertholdt's vision blurred but he couldn't bring himself to blink anymore. The pressure of teeth against his skin is too much. He's too far gone._

_"Annie... Reiner! Reiner...!"_

_His best friend's name is the last thing to leave his lips before he dies with hatred and regret heavy in his heart._

* * *

 

He feels like he's been dreaming for aeons. But the reality is, it has only been months. Months since training ended. Since he and Reiner joined the survey corps, but only days since the female titan has been captured. And still, nothing seems real to him.

Annie had been the strongest one after Marcel died. She didn't have to develop a split personality or cry in the bathroom. She didn't need to be held by her comrades when things got rough. She was alone on her two feet, fighting when she needed to, speaking when she needed to, and staying silent and uninvolved the rest of the time. Saying Reiner was in panic was an understatement. In fact, he hadn't done anything at all about Annie's capture. The two remaining warriors didn't even know where she had been taken to. But Bertholdt was frantic to rescue her.

"We have to keep our eyes forward. Focus on the mission," Reiner had said, completely disregarding the fact that maybe Bertholdt had cared for Annie just a little too much. Bertholdt kept quiet, but he knew that Reiner knew just how scared the other really was. Quivering with fear every moment they were alone together, eyes set with determination only when the other soldiers were around.

Last night, Reiner had said they'd go home together. Bertholdt had almost believed him.  _Almost._ Because Bertholdt was starting to believe that his nightmares weren't just nightmares and his dreams weren't just dreams, since many, many nights ago, Bertholdt and Reiner stood atop this exact wall, confessing their sins to the Coordinate. Thirty-three seconds until Mikasa Ackerman sprung into action.

Bertholdt reached for Reiner's hand and watched his disturbed golden eyes waver with regret. The Warrior was back.

"We were just kids... We didn’t know anything,” Reiner had his head down. Bertholdt shifted closer when the blond twined their fingers together. “If only I never knew there were people like this. I— I wouldn’t have become such a half-assed piece of shit!” And just like his nightmare, Bertholdt watched Reiner in a trembling shock. Reiner removes the wrapping around his arm, allowing the split to clatter against the sodden stone. Steam rose. The aqua of his irises shook. Bertholdt couldn't tell if it was fear or anger.

Bertholdt was a puppet, controlled by fate like everyone else. The only difference was that he could see the strings. Like an automated response, he shrieked, "Are we doing it?! Now?! Right here?!"

Reiner nodded in affirmation. "Yeah. We settle this... Right here, right now!"

With absolutely no control over his own actions, Bertholdt leapt back when Mikasa ripped her blade through Reiner's arm, barely turning when her gaze was finally directed to him. He didn't want to do this. He wasn't ready. He couldn't—

The tip of her blade punctured his skin. She drew it down and raised her weapons again, launching into action a second time. Bertholdt knew. If she had really struck him with what would have been a devastating blow, it'd be the end for both him and Reiner. But like a Knight in shining armour, Reiner rammed Mikasa right off the wall.

Blood. Everywhere. Steaming hot. Staining Bertholdt's navy sweater. Reiner stood in front of him, an arm held out protectively as lightning began to strike. In a whirlwind of reds and golds, they transformed. The pain was gone. But for the next battle, Bertholdt refused to see anything else.

* * *

 

_Reiner doesn't know Bertholdt is gone. It's as if Bertholdt is watching from above with no way to stop Reiner from destroying himself. The boy which had once been filled with determination was gone. The moment Reiner had reached Marley, it had been a bombardment of questions. Praise. And also hate because Porco Galliard was a person who still existed even after his brother had ceased to. Poor Marcel. In the end, his efforts to keep his brother from the Warrior life had failed. Porco ended up inheriting the jaw titan. The last piece of his brother that he had left._

_Reiner grew a beard. Bertholdt doesn't know if he likes it or not because it's just one more indication that Reiner no longer cares for himself enough to groom himself in the morning. In fact, that man is only getting worse each day, walking the streets with a uniform, badges, and no will to live._

_When Reiner locks himself in a room with barred windows, Bertholdt isn't exactly sure how to act. There are pieces of a shotgun in his hand. He is assembling it._

_Bertholdt's vision shakes._

* * *

 

He's being torn out of the titan. It's his body moving for him again. He's strapping on the maneuver gear before he knows it, attaching himself to Reiner's back with Ymir, the Jaw titan, in his arms. Eren's back is against his. He's unconscious.

Reiner begins to head for the forest dead ahead. The goal is the wall. They need to reach the ocean in order to get back home. The armoured titan's feet are making cracks in the dried dirt. Bertholdt gazes out, back toward the disaster they had created. He counts the prints left behind by Reiner. Tears prick his eyes again as he recalls what he had just witnessed. These out of body experiences are becoming more frequent and he's starting to fear that every single one of them is real.

Bertholdt reaches upward and runs his finger over the healed skin of his neck where Mikasa had embedded the blade. He touches one of Reiner's armoured plates. He knows what's going to happen. But he doesn't know when.

In Shinganshina, he knows he will lose his life. He knows he'll be leaving Reiner behind.

On Reiner's back, Bertholdt cries. He tells his partner he is sorry.

Reiner doesn't hear him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm real sorry for the crap chapter haha
> 
> I swear this will improve once I have time. I'm starting to delve into the plot, though! The motivation is here.

**Author's Note:**

> Constructive criticism would be great! I'd be happy to get any help on improving upon this. Any advice would be super helpful so don't hesitate to leave a comment or kudos or whatever y'all do on AO3 c:
> 
> I'm a Wattpad person.


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